I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
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wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music