“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
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[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I鈥檓 currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
It was Timothy鈥檚 second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Schr枚dinger: How鈥檚 my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
It鈥檚 so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can鈥檛 touch us
unilever exec: look truthfully we don鈥檛 care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the caf茅 opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that caf茅”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 馃嚘馃嚭
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I don鈥檛 care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I鈥檝e got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!