7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life