I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
next question.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.