Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
What’s a Messi?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.