Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.