If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes