Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
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“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.