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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN