Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
wow he looks just like him
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I was bored.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m good, thanks.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling