Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
😩😩😩
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.