Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
who did the taste test?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.