I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
#merica
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Selfie