The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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I like crazy people until they notice me
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
The first one, obviously
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot