Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
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Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
What if all the cashiers are married?
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs