Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
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Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future