[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
The point of your 20s
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.