My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me