So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
You Might Also Like
Pandas 🐼🖤
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany