then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
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A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
i love meeting boys on tinder
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Trying
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh