why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
stand with me against insufficient seating
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
my first day as a raccoon
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.