You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
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[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
This one’s “Alex”.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
sir, my pâté if you please
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins