Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Labreador
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.