foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
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Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.