It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
What is going on? 😅
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Well, that should do it
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.