gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
✌️
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’ll be mad as hell!
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.