The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
That took me a moment.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE