The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
You Might Also Like
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
next level snooze
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Real House Wines.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.