On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I am never leaving this website
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Oh. My. God.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”