a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
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I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.