After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
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I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*