@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
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Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.