Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.