It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’