Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.