yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”