THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
me when the borders lift
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
*sewing*
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