Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life