Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Super Hand Dog Face
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I love twitter
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh