it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
absolutely not