Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
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If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Ion see the issue
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*