One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Baking is just science you can eat.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Lucky for them, they’re cute
DOOO EEEET
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod