They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.