i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”