All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
✌🏽
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My whole life was a lie.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet