*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Real House Wines.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.