me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
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Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones