[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
life finds a way
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?