My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.