If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
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“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
March 16
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
channeling her this year
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.